I am sitting here having woken up at 4 a.m., unable to return to sleep. There is so much on my mind.
1) I wonder if I will be able to completely stop drinking without seeking inpatient treatment. I am in Upstate New York staying with my parents about to begin an outpatient program on Wednesday. I have slipped up a few times while I have been here, not to any one's direct knowledge, perhaps my mom has suspected it. But my parents have a Ft. Knox-like stash of alcohol in the basement and it has been hard to resist putting just a little in my lemonade or iced tea over the past few days. I have not gotten drunk, but definitely used it to take the edge off at times.
2) My relationship with my husband has hits the rocks. He knows I am here to seek treatment, but since I have been away for almost two weeks, he has not called, ignores my calls, and ignores my texts. I spoke with him for the first time yesterday and he said he is realizing how much my drinking has hurt our marriage. He has generally shown more than disgust and anger when I drink; I did not know that it hurt him so. He has gone so far as to say that perhaps our entire marriage was a mistake. Three children and ten years later, I am finding this out. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even talk about it.
Because, of course, it has hurt him. How long can you watch someone regularly getting drunk and think that you have a happy, functional relationship and family? How many times can he listen to my desperate proclamation that I want to stop and that my family means the world to me, when I have chosen to drink instead? I did not think that I would have to be dealing with the possible dissolution of our marriage, but here it is and I cannot handle it. It would be a devastating loss and I have no clue how to deal with those kinds of emotions without alcohol.
He does not want to talk about it and has all but shut me out. His love for me, his desire to continue this relationship, and his faith that anything will change is entirely in question. I feel helpless, because I have no idea what my future holds in this regard and it is tearing me up.
I want to focus on my recovery, but feel that my fear of losing my marriage has completely overshadowed it.
I would love feedback.
Much love,
Karen
all very tough stuff. and there is no way that anyone can tell you that one part is any bigger or more important than the other. but here is the point: you cannot do anything about it RIGHT NOW. you are paralyzed. you are infected. you are wounded. and you are weak. everything you see wrong in your life is all going to want to jockey for attention. but they are all peccadillos - minor sins - compared to ensuring your sobriety. that is the major cause, the big deal that ALL this other stuff swirls around.
ReplyDeleteyou do not need to do anything but be ready to work that program. you do not have time to worry about what is going on in the world. no time for ice bucket challenges. you have no time for the concerns of friends and family. if your kids are safe and fed, you do not even need to think about them. all this time for healing is about you...and you have to be rabbidly selfish. and, yes, that even applies to sustaining your marriage. you cannot fix it right now; you have not even been sober enough to see how/if it is broken. you need to get your ass into that program and work it so you can see any of this shit clearly. (and i guarantee you that you will be talking about your marriage A LOT in there!) do the work!
i love story analysis. i love how nice and neat it makes everything. in this story, obviously, you are the protagonist. but the antagonist is not all your problems. it is not your husband. it is not even your illness. the antagonist in this story...is you! it is a reluctant antagonist who wants to work with you after all. work out with yourself. find the resolution to this tale.
as always, i have a ton of faith in you. great to see you writing again. get into that program. get a sponsor! get your rest. you need it!!
jayse
Wow! Welcome back. I agree with Jayson, especially about putting your rehab/recovery program first. There's a saying somewhere in the AA literature that your AA 12 Step program of becoming sober HAS to come first before everything else, including husband and kids, because if it DOESN"T come first, you will lose everything and everyone else to alcohol in the process anyway. I think going to the Outpatient program is a great start but if you are constantly tempted by the Fort Knox of alcohol in the basement, it may be that you will need to stay elsewhere OR go to an inpatient program if you can afford it(!). Also, we have a saying here in AA "90 meetings in 90 days" especially when you are starting out and alcohol is calling your name so strongly. Good luck! You're in my prayers.
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