Who knows what day it is?

I am sitting here having woken up at 4 a.m., unable to return to sleep.   There is so much on my mind.

1) I wonder if I will be able to completely stop drinking without seeking inpatient treatment.  I am in Upstate New York staying with my parents about to begin an outpatient program on Wednesday.  I have slipped up a few times while I have been here, not to any one's direct knowledge, perhaps my mom has suspected it.  But my parents have a Ft. Knox-like stash of alcohol in the basement and it has been hard to resist putting just a little in my  lemonade or iced tea over the past few days.  I have not gotten drunk, but definitely used it to take the edge off at times.

2) My relationship with my husband has hits the rocks.  He knows I am here to seek treatment, but since I have been away for almost two weeks, he has not called, ignores my calls, and ignores my texts.  I spoke with him for the first time yesterday and he said he is realizing how much my drinking has hurt our marriage.  He has generally shown more than disgust and anger when I drink; I did not know that it hurt him so.  He has gone so far as to say that perhaps our entire marriage was a mistake.  Three children and ten years later, I am finding this out.  I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even talk about it.

Because, of course, it has hurt him.  How long can you watch someone regularly getting drunk and think that you have a happy, functional relationship and family?   How many times can he listen to my desperate proclamation that I want to stop and that my family means the world to me, when I have chosen to drink instead?  I did not think that I would have to be dealing with the possible dissolution of our marriage, but here it is and I cannot handle it.  It would be a devastating loss and I have no clue how to deal with those kinds of emotions without alcohol.

He does not want to talk about it and has all but shut me out.  His love for me, his desire to continue this relationship, and his faith that anything will change is entirely in question.  I feel helpless, because I have no idea what my future holds in this regard and it is tearing me up.

I want to focus on my recovery, but feel that my fear of losing my marriage has completely overshadowed it.

I would love feedback.

Much love,
Karen

Day Four - Inexplicable Optimism

Last night, I was feeling very lonely - like existentialist loneliness, what am I doing on this planet loneliness, what will happen when I die loneliness, will I be with my children again? loneliness.  And then after those thoughts circled my brain for an hour or so, I began to panic.  I had sweaty palms, a racing heart, I could not turn off my brain, and I felt certain I would die.

So, I did something I do not do very often, I prayed.  I prayed to God to help me through this time when I feel so fragile and so vulnerable.  I thanked God for all the people I have in my life: my husband, my precious boys, my parents, my Aunt Cathleen, and my friends.  I thanked God for my life.  For years, my husband and I barely made it by financially; he was stuck in a dead-end job; I was working full-time at a good job with benefits, but it broke my heart to take my boys to daycare when they were very small; and we were seemingly stuck in a house in a neighborhood that could be nothing but negative for our boys as they grew up.

That has all changed.  We live in a neighborhood where I feel safe letting my boys go outside and play and my husband has a great job that even allows me to stay home with my children.  In other words, I have a life that affords me the opportunity to think about more than just myself and think beyond navigating through the next crisis.  My children's needs are taken care of and they seem very happy, we have a roof over our heads, a garden in an actual yard, and food on the table.

I prayed to God last night in the middle of that panic attack, that when and if, I woke up, I would do everything in my power to show the people in my life how much I appreciate them and I would show the world/universe how much I value the gifts I have been given in the way that I conduct myself on a day to day basis.

I woke up this morning with feeling of pure optimism and an eagerness to begin my day.  I cannot tell you the last time that happened.  I feel for the first time that "it" is going to be okay and I have a life to look forward to, not dread or fear.

Now I have to go live it…

Thank you for being here.

Day Three - Bad Dreams

Great women's meeting today.  I learned  a lot.

But, this sucks.  Not being able to drink, when you cannot sleep.  I did it ALL.

Warm milk, melatonin, tryptophan - no dice.

I am an angry person.  I was called that yesterday by someone that does not even know me, but guess what?  She was RIGHT and it made me mad.  I am so angry that my mother made my childhood miserable and scary; I am angry that my first real love relationship turned out so awfully, I am angry that I was forced into an abortion, and I am angry that I have wasted my talents and passions on alcohol, AND I AM SO ANGRY THAT THAT SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY (my neighbor) CALLED IT OUT.  She does not even know me, but it is it so obvious?

More tomorrow, I accept that I am an angry person.  Now, what do I do with it?

Day Two - Again...

As I wrote the other day, I made a mistake and allowed myself to have a glass of wine at a friend's house.  I was close to making a huge mistake and majorly backsliding, but I did not.  Instead, I told my husband what my new drinking patterns have become, where every single hiding place I have for alcohol in the house is, and a few incidents recently that I found personally mortifying and was too embarrassed to share with anyone.  

My husband is supportive and loving, when I am honest with him and pursue my recovery in earnest.  He does not have time or patience for excuses, justifications, or dishonesty.

Today, I stayed sober and will write more about it tomorrow.

I had a run-in with a neighbor today.  I lived in Philadelphia for 15 years and never had a single disagreement with a neighbor.  Apparently, I have been very rude by allowing my children to go down the street (three doors away) and ask her son to play without calling ahead or setting up a play date.  Meanwhile, her son comes over to our house unannounced all of the time.  It never bothered me, because I thought that is what children do.  She told me that I was taking advantage of her kindness.  Though she does not know me at all, she said I seem like a very angry woman and that I that I thrive on creating drama with my neighbors.  She has lived here since this past April and is moving on September 1st.

This really upset me, because, again, I do not know this woman at all and have never had a disagreement with her previously or any other neighbor (roommate, sure.)

The first thing I wanted to do after this bizarre exchange of words was have a glass of wine and a cigarette, but I didn't.  I talked to my husband about it and he said when someone lashes out like that, there is usually a lot more behind it that has very little to do with you.

My instinct is to ignore the situation, instead of resolving it.  We leave this Wednesday for Canandaigua, New York and we will be there for the rest of the summer.  I remember the saying from AA meetings that you should not let another person rent space in your head.  So, this must be what was meant, right?

More tomorrow...