Great women's meeting today. I learned a lot.
But, this sucks. Not being able to drink, when you cannot sleep. I did it ALL.
Warm milk, melatonin, tryptophan - no dice.
I am an angry person. I was called that yesterday by someone that does not even know me, but guess what? She was RIGHT and it made me mad. I am so angry that my mother made my childhood miserable and scary; I am angry that my first real love relationship turned out so awfully, I am angry that I was forced into an abortion, and I am angry that I have wasted my talents and passions on alcohol, AND I AM SO ANGRY THAT THAT SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY (my neighbor) CALLED IT OUT. She does not even know me, but it is it so obvious?
More tomorrow, I accept that I am an angry person. Now, what do I do with it?
awesome! you are angry. you are pissed. you have been kicked around and misunderstood. you are so angry and that is beautiful. anger is ENERGY. (if you were apathetic, you would have nothing with which to work.) you will learn how to use that raw, flowing ENERGY to power your recovery and rebirth. you are crouched in front of a track with your feet in the blocks. you can explode of the mark and run. all this shit that is making you angry will mutate into the fuel that will make you great. don't waste a second worrying you do not know yet how to channel the rage. that will come in time. right now, accept the anger. write down EVERYTHING that is making you angry. even the stuff that you do not think you should be ALLOWED to get angry about. I am sure you will find a ton of shit that you did not know angered you. write it all down. (heck, I might even end up on there - but that is good. write it down.) keep building you ANGER LIST. it is through this list that you are going to fuel your better destiny. through this list you will learn how to stand up for yourself. it does not take a genius to know that you have been angry for years - and the only one you were taking it out on was yourself...through the drinking. you are going to learn better, more positive ways of burning off that precious fuel. :-)
ReplyDeleteWOW! I agree with Jayson.I say, keep this person as a friend and support! The only thing that I'll add is that you're right on target with the feelings. When I stopped drinking alcohol, I felt like a volcano erupting with all the feelings, usually ANGRY, that came up. They were feelings that I had pushed down for years by drinking in an attempt to be a "nice lady" (Nice ladies allegedly don't HAVE anger.......WRONG!). I agree with everything Jayson said. Don't however, act on the anger in a harmful way including the people you are angry at...jog, exercise, clean, beat a pillow, throw and break plates if you can spare them (and are willing to clean up the mess!) and WRITE! In terms of not sleeping, which happens to me from time to time, I do a meditation exercise in bed where, as I am slowly breathing in, I "breathe in for EVERYONE in the world who is experiencing insomnia at this time" and then as I slowly breathe out I "breathe out peace and rest for everyone in the world who is experiencing insomnia at this time." I keep doing this until I fall asleep. I also pray for anyone that I think needs it....and there are plenty of people who do. I was having difficulty falling asleep last night and you were one of the people for whom I was praying.....and I eventually fell asleep......My prayers continue to be with you! Peg
Deleteyes!! what she said!!
Deletei agree totally with Peg. you are doing a great job writing this blog...but you need to have a separate ledger where you keep the visceral stuff that nobody gets to see but you. you have to chronicle all of this. it is going to be painful but you gotta. i love meditation for you. thanks, Peg. you need to connect to a spirituality to do this well. use meditation to take stock of that divine that is already within.