Day Four - Inexplicable Optimism

Last night, I was feeling very lonely - like existentialist loneliness, what am I doing on this planet loneliness, what will happen when I die loneliness, will I be with my children again? loneliness.  And then after those thoughts circled my brain for an hour or so, I began to panic.  I had sweaty palms, a racing heart, I could not turn off my brain, and I felt certain I would die.

So, I did something I do not do very often, I prayed.  I prayed to God to help me through this time when I feel so fragile and so vulnerable.  I thanked God for all the people I have in my life: my husband, my precious boys, my parents, my Aunt Cathleen, and my friends.  I thanked God for my life.  For years, my husband and I barely made it by financially; he was stuck in a dead-end job; I was working full-time at a good job with benefits, but it broke my heart to take my boys to daycare when they were very small; and we were seemingly stuck in a house in a neighborhood that could be nothing but negative for our boys as they grew up.

That has all changed.  We live in a neighborhood where I feel safe letting my boys go outside and play and my husband has a great job that even allows me to stay home with my children.  In other words, I have a life that affords me the opportunity to think about more than just myself and think beyond navigating through the next crisis.  My children's needs are taken care of and they seem very happy, we have a roof over our heads, a garden in an actual yard, and food on the table.

I prayed to God last night in the middle of that panic attack, that when and if, I woke up, I would do everything in my power to show the people in my life how much I appreciate them and I would show the world/universe how much I value the gifts I have been given in the way that I conduct myself on a day to day basis.

I woke up this morning with feeling of pure optimism and an eagerness to begin my day.  I cannot tell you the last time that happened.  I feel for the first time that "it" is going to be okay and I have a life to look forward to, not dread or fear.

Now I have to go live it…

Thank you for being here.