Second Day Stress

This a typical Day Two for me. I have energy again and am able to do the things I am supposed to do: care for the children properly, make meals, clean the house, walk the dog, etc. However, I feel anxious and short-tempered.




When I was working full-time, today is the day I would generally return to work after having called out sick the day before, put my head down and quietly proceed to my office or cube, and try to get as much accomplished as possible. If a supervisor or colleague asked how I was feeling after being struck down with whatever illness I purported to have had the day before, I would try to keep the answer as short and simple as possible. As a rule, I would never lie about my children's illnesses or injuries (bad karma?), but when it came to my own maladies, I exaggerated them or fabricated them altogether (I even looked up symptoms.) I was petrified that someone would see through my lies and realize there was a pattern to my behavior. Every few weeks, I would overindulge and then find it impossible to get up the next day to go to work. I would call in or email my supervisor, preferably email in order to avoid hearing any annoyance or impatience in my supervisor's voice, and then spend the day in bed or on the couch feeling guilty about the lies and disgusted with the way I was conducting my life. Anyone that is or has been an addict can instantly recognize this attendance pattern in a co-worker. Either I have not worked for addicts or nobody ever confronted me about it and voiced a suspicion about what was truly going on. Oddly, I always wished someone would call me out on it and encourage me to get help.




The other thing about Day Two, is that the day the I drank and the physical aftermath seems like a long time ago. It was 48 hours ago! Yet, my brain remembers the night like it was weeks ago. I recently learned that I am literally allergic/addicted to alcohol. The first time, hell fifty times, I drank, I got really ill, as if I had food poisoning. When I had food poisoning from sashimi when I was 12 years old, I did not try sushi until I was 24 because the experience was so awful. When I got ill from drinking two Heineken beers when I was 15, a few more times when drinking in high school, and many times after overindulging in college - I kept going back to it. I suppose throwing up after drinking was a rite of passage for many when drinking, especially in college, so it seemed normal. It would take years for me to develop a high enough tolerance to drink without physical illness and simply have fun and a few more years for drinking to turn ugly.




Today, I went to the gym, took the boys to swimming, went out for a snack at Whole Foods when I picked up a few items for dinner, and took the boys to choose a new book at Barnes and Noble. I am happy I was on the other side of the window today actively participating in my life, but I know that I could not entirely appreciate the time I spent with the boys, because I was so edgy. I lost my patience a few times as well when I should not have. But I am home now, I am satisfied with the day I had and am planning to attend an AA meeting tonight.