Journey to Thirty

Days like today are always the easiest. The day after I drank way too much and smoked way too may cigarettes. The day after I stayed up too late feeling lost and so alone. The details of the previous are murky, but the ultimate outcome is very clear. I am an alcoholic.




Today, like so many hundreds of days after the night before, is the day that I promise myself that I will never drink again and I mean it; that I cry and beg God for his help to "make" me sober; that I watch old episodes of "Intervention" in the hope that I discover some magical secret to getting sober or at least do not feel like such a failure; that I am utterly useless and cannot do the things I promised I would take my children to do - the park, the pool, to eat ice cream, that I feel so sick that I cannot eat; the day that I am so thirsty, but I cannot keep down water. This is the kind of day where I watch the glorious blue sky float by, breeze blowing through the shiny green leaves, and I hear children playing outside laughing from inside my house, from my couch where I am laying crippled with a headache, nausea, and regret.  It has happened so many times and around 6 p.m. when I finally feel normal again, I think, I just let another day of my life pass me by.




I have been abusing alcohol for the past ten years after two years of sobriety. I never drank when trying to get pregnant, while pregnant, or while nursing. There was no temptation during these times, because there was another life dependent on my choices and I loved the baby I was carrying or caring for. Why I cannot treat myself with the same care is perplexing to me.




I have tried to get sober about fifty times over the past two years. I ended up in the psych ward of a local hospital due a panic attack so severe, I felt certain I would die. My mind raced, the heart nearly beat out of my chest, and I felt that I would do anything to stop that feeling that there was no healthy future for me to look forward to. I participated in an intensive outpatient program, for eight weeks. I was sober for nearly one month and then I slipped up.




Since then, I have gone a week, two weeks, three weeks without drinking and truly felt like this time was going to be the time I stayed sober. Then I would deceive myself into drinking again, making excuses, such as: I am lonely (my husband works a lot and I never know when he will be home), I am stressed out (due to being home alone so much, caring for the children falls almost entirely on me, or I am happy or have a reason to celebrate (I will only have one drink, maybe two, I would say to myself, but I would drink and drink until I was drunk. Each time swearing I could control my intake, but knowing full well that I had no idea how drinks I would consume in the course of the evening.)




Recently, there was a shift in my drinking patterns that scares me and has forced me pursue a sober life by any means necessary. There is no way to look at the habit that is forming and say it even close to normal or healthy. I do not drink during the day, I do not drink and drive, I do not drink everyday, but I do try to hide my drinking.




In the past ten years, I have not been ably to put 30 days together (with the exception of pregnancy and nursing.) This blog is going to document my journey through the next 30 days and 30 nights. I am determined to live without alcohol.




This was not supposed to happen to me. This is not the life I was supposed to have. I have wonderful things in my life that I treasure, I want the chance to give them the care and attention they deserve. I want to give myself the care and attention that I deserve.